Monday

Living with Depression

Dana Nicola from fashiondew.co.uk wearing strappy, mesh ann summers lingerie and boohoo sexy evening robe.

It's hard to talk about. I dont know where to start. Ive spoke about things like this a little (here), but never like this, never, well, this.

In real life im open, i tell people a lot, sometimes more than they deserve. People i let in are pretty sure they know 'the real me', but the truth is, i dont even know me. Im guarded, ive built so many walls i can barely see over the top. It effects my social life, my ability to make friends and connect with people on a normal, social level. Too people i dont know, people i go to uni with, I probably come across cold, bitchy and uninterested, and some days that is exactly what im like, but most the time, thats not me. 

I let very few people in, i dont trust easily, but sometimes i do trust easily, in the wrong people. Ive been hurt enough by people i thought cared about me, that im over letting that happen again and again. But, a part of me knows theres no love, no living, without risk, without taking chances, im just not there yet. My social skills are so flawed, a teenager grown up on the internet, its easier to talk to 9,000 people on tumblr than it is my own mother. Flawed, wrong but here and learning.

Dana Nicola from fashiondew.co.uk wearing strappy, mesh ann summers lingerie and boohoo sexy evening robe.
Dana Nicola from fashiondew.co.uk wearing strappy, mesh ann summers lingerie and boohoo sexy evening robe.

I have depression. I live with it. I have lived with it for as long as i remember, i was 14 when i first went on anti-depressants and was made to go to therapy. And it helped, i fought those demons, i didnt understand why it was happening though, and in truth im still not sure, a mix of teenage hormones and bad influences. I learnt, not quick enough, to cut toxic people out of my life, to focus on myself and succeed, and i did. I came off ADs, i started uni, something i'd dreamt off but never believed i'd do. I found myself, found the person outside of the depression, outside of those toxic relationships. But here i am again, ive found myself back here, 4 years later, taking stronger ADs then i ever have before. ND, even though im here again, fundamentally, im happier than ive been before.

Ive come so far, ive fought dark thoughts and i will carry on fighting them. Im here again for good reason, im here because im pushing myself, im fighting to be the best self i can be, to be successful and make myself and my parents proud. Some days are dark, so dark i cant see the light and everything seems hopeless and pointless and i feel like a failure. I feel empty and void, its not even sadness anymore, its just emptiness, girl knows how often i feel like a shell. And right now its tough, its so tough, living with this depression is effecting my uni work, my blogging, my motivation to do anything. Its draining and its not something i can just snap out of. And mixed with SAD (another post on that coming soon), being dragged down is unavoidable.

Dana Nicola from fashiondew.co.uk wearing strappy, mesh ann summers lingerie and boohoo sexy evening robe.
Lingerie - Ann Summers via ASOS
Gown - Boohoo*

But im here and im fighting. Days arent easy, but theyre getting more bearable, im learning how to cope again. Depression comes in different forms and for different reasons, no one persons is the same, my time now is completely different from when i was younger, its like im re-learning how to live with it, how to cope with it. Its not something easy to understand, ive had to deal with plenty of people that dont understand, from tutors to 'friends', but thats okay, i dont understand it either. Just, be patient with me, please. I'll get there, even if that means ridiculous mood swings and terrible lows where everything seems bleak, i'll get there.

|| Now Playing || As You Are - Rag'n'Bone Man || Hurts So Good - Astrid S ||

Photos by Yen Wong - in her kitchen, thanks bae - Yens Instagram
Also, check out Vix's post and Francesca's post about depression <3 i="">

16 comments:

  1. I have never struggled with depression (not for longer than a few random days,when I was feeling really down for no reason at least) so I cannot even begin to understand your battles. Yet, I can relate so well with the first part of your post! As you said, you've came so far, so all I can say is keep fighting and I hope everything will get better! x

    ReplyDelete
  2. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I've gone to therapy for it but never took medications. It's really hard, and sometimes hard to get out of bed. Keep fighting and keep staying strong <3

    Hannah
    Floraful

    ReplyDelete
  3. How sexy and feminine! Great that you are aware of what you've got <3

    Carmelatte

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ah hun! So nice to hear your story - I struggled with depression and anxiety too! If you ever want to talk plz drop me an email.

    P.s you look lovely by the way!

    Patricia // Patricia Stelmach

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi my dear!
    You slay!
    I love the post :)

    xoxo
    http://diaryofalittlebee.blogspot.pt/

    ReplyDelete
  6. sorry to hear it. I'm in the same situation...
    you are so beautiful in those pics

    kisses
    www.aprendiendoaquererme.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. First off, you look hot af
    Secondly, so sorry you have to deal with these demons, babe. However, I can tell from your blog that you are such a strong individual who can overcome anything. Hang in there <3

    Enclothed Cognition

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so sorry you have to deal with depression...Dana darling, you are stronger than you think you are. After reading this post about your past experience, I sincerely believe you will succeed in fighting the demons. Lots of love from India <3

    xoxo Eva | www.evakindles.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've never struggled with depression, and I'm sorry to hear that you are, but it's clear how strong you are. You also look beautiful in these pictures!
    xo
    Siffat
    http://icingandglitter.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. really beautiful post! follow you now
    http://bygretts.blogspot.mx/

    ReplyDelete
  11. So sorry to hear that babe!

    x Merel
    www.andathousandwords.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. I also have struggled with depression, it is definitely something really difficult to overcome. Thanks so much for opening up and sharing your story!
    Gorgeous photos!
    xo.
    Taylor
    www.itswhatsin.com

    ReplyDelete