It's hard to talk about. I dont know where to start. Ive spoke about things like this a little (here), but never like this, never, well, this.
In real life im open, i tell people a lot, sometimes more than they deserve. People i let in are pretty sure they know 'the real me', but the truth is, i dont even know me. Im guarded, ive built so many walls i can barely see over the top. It effects my social life, my ability to make friends and connect with people on a normal, social level. Too people i dont know, people i go to uni with, I probably come across cold, bitchy and uninterested, and some days that is exactly what im like, but most the time, thats not me.
I let very few people in, i dont trust easily, but sometimes i do trust easily, in the wrong people. Ive been hurt enough by people i thought cared about me, that im over letting that happen again and again. But, a part of me knows theres no love, no living, without risk, without taking chances, im just not there yet. My social skills are so flawed, a teenager grown up on the internet, its easier to talk to 9,000 people on tumblr than it is my own mother. Flawed, wrong but here and learning.
I have depression. I live with it. I have lived with it for as long as i remember, i was 14 when i first went on anti-depressants and was made to go to therapy. And it helped, i fought those demons, i didnt understand why it was happening though, and in truth im still not sure, a mix of teenage hormones and bad influences. I learnt, not quick enough, to cut toxic people out of my life, to focus on myself and succeed, and i did. I came off ADs, i started uni, something i'd dreamt off but never believed i'd do. I found myself, found the person outside of the depression, outside of those toxic relationships. But here i am again, ive found myself back here, 4 years later, taking stronger ADs then i ever have before. ND, even though im here again, fundamentally, im happier than ive been before.
Ive come so far, ive fought dark thoughts and i will carry on fighting them. Im here again for good reason, im here because im pushing myself, im fighting to be the best self i can be, to be successful and make myself and my parents proud. Some days are dark, so dark i cant see the light and everything seems hopeless and pointless and i feel like a failure. I feel empty and void, its not even sadness anymore, its just emptiness, girl knows how often i feel like a shell. And right now its tough, its so tough, living with this depression is effecting my uni work, my blogging, my motivation to do anything. Its draining and its not something i can just snap out of. And mixed with SAD (another post on that coming soon), being dragged down is unavoidable.
Lingerie - Ann Summers via ASOS
Gown - Boohoo*
But im here and im fighting. Days arent easy, but theyre getting more bearable, im learning how to cope again. Depression comes in different forms and for different reasons, no one persons is the same, my time now is completely different from when i was younger, its like im re-learning how to live with it, how to cope with it. Its not something easy to understand, ive had to deal with plenty of people that dont understand, from tutors to 'friends', but thats okay, i dont understand it either. Just, be patient with me, please. I'll get there, even if that means ridiculous mood swings and terrible lows where everything seems bleak, i'll get there.
|| Now Playing || As You Are - Rag'n'Bone Man || Hurts So Good - Astrid S ||
Photos by Yen Wong - in her kitchen, thanks bae - Yens Instagram